How coming to terms with your own childhood neglect - and feeling safe to feel vulnerable again - allows you as a parent to break the cycle of intergenerational trauma

Many of my clients are men in their 30s and 40s coming to terms with the impact of being parented poorly, typically having had inexpressive-gruff fathers and oppressed-distracted mothers, often with at least one of them dependent on or addicted to alcohol to try to cover up their own pain and feeling of emptiness.

These male clients are now fathers too. They fear that they will repeat the ineffective and harmful parenting style of their fathers. Rationally they know what their kids need from them, but emotionally they find themselves emotionally restricted and sometimes brittle. They are likely to have mixed and confusing feelings, at times feeling resentment from their long neglected inner child while their adult brain embraces the wisdom of attachment theory.

They’ve found the courage - often encouraged by their concerned and better parented and better informed wives/girlfriends - to work on the legacy of their childhood trauma, wanting to regulate themselves more effectively and to become more emotionally fluent and gentle.

Small changes in everyday thinking and behaviour can make a huge difference over time, especially for their kids as they absorb everything they experience as normal and consciously and unconsciously adapt to feel as safe and fully alive as possible.

My clients know they need to do this work so they can reduce or even eliminate intergenerational trauma for their kids. I encourage them to centre their own needs to feel good, to find joy and satisfaction in everyday life, both with their families, but crucially, just by and for themselves. They deserved it and didn’t get it. They still deserve it and as they work to find more of it their families and communities benefit too.